| Listing description | Actual meaning |
| Miles from NYC | Not in NYC |
| Meticulously maintained | Needs work |
| Investment opportunity | Needs lots of work |
| Needs work | God help you |
| Unique | Bad |
| Charming | Old |
| Cozy | Small |
| Distinctive | Weird |
| Eat-in kitchen | There’s a tiny table in the corner and we can’t legally prevent you from eating there |
| Chef’s kitchen | Contains a stove |
| Highly functional kitchen | Meets the minimum standards for being advertised as a kitchen |
| Move-in ready | (I would hope so?) |
| Turn-key | The structural problems are well hidden |
| <List price> | This house sold two weeks ago for $600k over ask, in cash |